Good Evening once again, I hope this message finds you well. Today I want to write about people (myself included) who are emotionally broken or hurting & how this can effect not only them, but those around them. Without wasting time I will go straight to the point, people with broken hearts break hearts. This is a concept which may seem strange to those who cannot relate, but if you can, know you are not alone & I hope these words will offer comfort to you as we go through this journey we call life.
Last night my mother & I were driving home with a close family friend who too has been broken hearted & experienced the challenges being abused & broken bring when you try to pick up the pieces of your life. This woman knows me very well & is one of the few people I can speak to without holding back (I thank God for her life), & we began to discuss women. Not in general, but specific to those who are broken, beaten down in spirit & left without hope. We began to discuss how God heals us, but also how difficult the process can be. For me to explain fully where I am coming from I am going to have to tell you a little bit about my past and discuss in detail the relationship I have with my mother.
My mother & I are two totally different types of women and over the years we have found it hard to truly understand & even appreciate each others characters. It is only by the grace of God & the love of His salvation that I can stand here today and tell you honestly that my mother is the best friend I have in my life. She is a voice of comfort and reason & I believe God has given her the grace to have understanding & the patience I need as I go through this process.
My mother is soft spoken and I cannot remember a day when she has ever raised her voice to me (I mean it, even when I have hurled all manners of insults at her). I on the other hand (I’m smiling as I write this), am the total opposite. I am very direct, almost on the verge of offensive. I can be so rebellious by nature, I am loud, somewhat of a tomboy and extremely bold. There are so many aspects of my character that God has had to tame so that I can grow into the beautiful woman God has ordained me to become.
Growing up was very hard for me, from suffering abuse, to homelessness, I couldn’t possibly go into detail in one post so please feel free to follow my blog and keep up to date. At one of my lowest points, I made an attempt on my own life at the age of 15. That was the first indication for my parents that something was very wrong. At that time (not knowing Christ), they did what they knew best, which was seek medical council. I spent the next 6 months seeing a psychologist, which has no effect for me, and within a year I was emotionally lower than I began.
By the time I was 18 years old I had experienced so many things that I had totally lost my sense of self worth. I loathed the skin I was in literally, but the feeling was so inescapable and heavy I could not see beyond it at all. Now only someone who has been in that situation will be able to understand what I am about to say. When you have destroyed yourself and view yourself as worthless, you dig a deeper hole for yourself because you feel so isolated and beyond the pales of society that you feel ashamed to even go back. How do you go back to normality, who will accept you?
It is at that point that I began to add to my troubles, having had my trust abused by boyfriends & friends alike, I began what the world refers to as “self-medicating”. Alcohol & drugs became my refuge, a place where I could hide from myself and the stench of my condition. A place where no one could put me down, it seemed like a place of comfort, but that was all a lie. It took me years giving my troubles & burdens to Christ to be where I am today. It did not happen over night. In other posts I will go into detail of that journey, but for the purpose of this piece I want to stick to the topic at hand; Broken people break hearts.
Now today I stand here drug & alcohol free, running my own business, building relationships, and funnily enough people look to me for encouragement. I have come a very long way from the pit Christ found me in to where I am now, but there are still things I am dealing with today.
Although my mother & I now have a great relationship whenever we have an argument it gets very intense. I mean real shock value. My mother has never raised her voice to me, but when we argue I seriously abuse her. This upsets me not only because she is my mother and the only one I will ever have, but also because I am living my life for Christ & cannot understand where the abuse comes from. These arguments stem from nothing & I explode into fits of rage hurling curses and profanities at her. What has come to the attention of both of us is that these attacks are aimed solely at her and no one else. My mother is a godly woman who is able to look past my outbursts & one day she came to my room and asked me very openly & with listening ears, why it was that whenever we argued I attacked her so deeply. She just couldn’t understand where it was all coming from. I began to tell her my story, and all the hurt I had experienced in my childhood & youth. It was a very emotional discussion one that left us both in tears. It was in that discussion that I was truly able to begin to look at where this source of anger came from & open up to her about how I had been feeling all this time. I thank God for the life of my mother and the patience & love she has for me, because this is not the type of conversation that would be easy for any parent to hear. No one wants to sit and listen to tales of how their only daughter has been abused whether that be sexually, emotionally or physically.
This conversation was not about blame, but about feelings and she allowed me to express that fact that I had felt let down and so alone. There are times when I have truly had to fend for myself as a child and deep down I felt that she had let me down. Why did I not have this same anger towards my father and only towards my mother? The answer was because I felt that as a woman she was meant to be a role model for me and fight to protect me. These are still issues I struggle with today, but there is peace & healing in the word of God. Nobody is perfect & we have all failed people in our lives, for all have fallen short of the glory of God.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
I have chosen to give the broken pieces of my life to Christ that He may heal me truly. I have chosen to see the beauty in my mother, the virtue and meditate on the good reports and not the bad. Healing of any kind takes time and emotional healing even more so, but nothing is impossible for Christ to do. My mother could never heal my wounds, and even if she could it would not be complete healing, the only true healer is Christ.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The Lord has compassion on the broken hearted, His ear is waiting to listen to your troubles. He who dwells among men is here to save even the most broken hearted and desolate of us. He loves you and will never leave you.
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.
The only way to move past this point is to look to Christ & let go of all hatred & bitterness. Anger towards yourself for the mistakes you have made, anger towards those that have failed you, and replace those emotions with love which covers all shortcomings, all failings & all disappointments.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
You see not only am I bound to my mother by flesh, but also by spirit, both of us being members of the body of Christ. I pray daily that the Lord will renew my mind & let His love wash over me through & through. I have to ask myself daily what kind of person I want to be. Do you want to be the person who brings death and leaves broken spirits behind with your tongue, or do you want to be the person who brings joy and life to others? The love of Christ bares all things.
Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.
This has been my prayer point & still is, that while I wait for the healing to be completed, the Lord will help me. Guard my tongue & choose my words. I want to speak words that breathe life to others.
For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.
Lastly I pray that Christ will heal my heart truly, these things would not be spoken if my heart was totally filled with the love of Christ. Surrendering your heart absolutely to Christ brings a peace nothing on this earth can imitate. Even when Christ was persecuted He prayed for His persecutors. The love of Christ heals all wounds.
I pray for anyone reading this who has the same struggles or is broken hearted. May the Lord be your strength, you are His beloved, so much so He died for you. Turn to Him and stand, heal & have true peace. Take your heavy load to Him and find rest.
God Bless You & Keep You.