I Know What Tired Feels Like

Matthew 11 vs 28-29

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

 

IMG_0306 EditedI know what it is to feel tired – tired of being hurt, of being rejected, of being a failure and tired of all the labels. In fact I know what it feels like to be so tired I couldn’t even be bothered to try and hope anymore, or to try and make thing better. It got to the point I stopped trying.

Sometimes (like now), when I write about these things it feels like another lifetime or even person, that is how much work Christ has done in me. I tried to take my own life at just 15, tried medication (Prozac, Diazepam), tried drugs (Weed, MDMA, Cocaine, Ketamine), tried sex. Nothing made me feel any better, If I’m completely honest in taking a lot of these things I’ve just listed, I honestly just wanted to feel something, anything.

I felt as though I was walking around dead. I couldn’t feel anything but at the same time I could feel everything. It led me down the path of self harm that’s how dark things got for me. I think that was the maximum low point, because self harm is something I never though I would do, but I did.

I can’t even explain what I was carrying, but I was carrying a load of something – of rejection, of pain, of hopelessness, brokenness and distrust. The only thing that took me through all of that was Christ. I won’t lie say it was instant because it wasn’t. I believed in Christ but wouldn’t let all these things go. To some degree I liked my state, it was safe there, nothing worse could happen – I’d been through it all and in some sense I suppose I found security in that.

To give it to God would mean to hope and to risk my hope been failed, that’s what scared me most – but the love of God never fails, He is truly the only faithful being I have ever known. Slowly and bit by bit I began to give all my brokenness to Him and I began to face every issue I had.  My healing process is not finished, I am going from glory to glory, but every day I see my mind being renewed and confirmed to the likeness of Christ.

He has given me hope and a future. He has taught me how to love and receive love. He has completely changed how I view myself. God is truly great and is the true physician who is able to heal all our wounds.

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