Philippians 3 vs 8
What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ
Who am I when all is stripped away? When the weave is gone, when the friends are gone, when my lovers have abandoned me, when I’ve lost that job. When all is gone who I am is rested in Christ Jesus. He is my hope and my salvation – literally.
I used to measure my worth by success, by the praises of men. If guys found me attractive, what shoes and brand of clothes I wore. Then I found myself in a place where all that was gone, and with it so too was my confidence.
I spent years trying to make men love me – never worked by the way, couldn’t even get one to do so. I wish I could say I was the girl everyone committed to, but it’s simply not true. In fact I was the girl who tried to get people to commit, had them string me along, only for them to settle with other people. I’m not even joking at all – I literally never had a proper boyfriend – I couldn’t get one.
I could get guys to sleep with me but not to date me. I would concoct plans to get them to be serious, but not one worked. In my mind if I has the new car, best weave, best clothes; then thy would commit or even take me on a date instead of back to their house. None of it worked. I was the girl they told they would phone, but my phone never rang.
This cycle repeated went on for years, then I had to stop. Stop defining myself by other, stop measuring my worth on guys and focus on myself. I had to put my trust in something more, is something solid. I had to find something real instead of seeking what I had been programmed by culture to desire, but seek God himself – literally the only one who had never rejected me.
I know what it is to be rejected, but I can tell you God has restored my life and given me beauty for ashes. Now who I am isn’t dependant on whether I get married or not, or whether I have children or not, or whether I am successful or not. Rather who I am is completely rested in Christ Jesus.
Does it mean I don’t desire these things? No. What it does mean though, is that after failing at my life I realised my way doesn’t work and let Jesus take the wheel. I want Him to mould me for I know he has made all things beautiful in their time. He is at the centre of my life and my life will not me built by power or by might but by His spirit.